It's late October. One more week until Halloween. And two more months until 2026. In here. It started to get somewhat "cold". And by that "cold", I meant temperature doesn't exceed thirty degrees Celsius and shoot all the way up to thirty four-ish when it's noon. I'm not sure whether meteorologists will confirm it would get colder or not. But I'm ready for a nice cozy breeze with cloudy atmosphere days. Although for now. It's still hot in here, along with my to-do list and its loooooooooong entries. Nevertheless. I have grown enough spinal columns (or more than what a human should have) to make plans then put some progressions into them. And by that "some progressions", I meant putting them aside in order to put more important tedious tasks on hands first. And for worse. There might be more in the backlogs.

When Everything Becomes A Chore

Don't you love the idea of being a polymath? A being of multiple interests. A being who can fit into any roles like a pair of all-purpose gloves and master anything with no problems. Of course you do. But if you don't like the idea ... What's wrong with you? Ahem. I inspire to become one because having a single passion then make it a whole personality for the rest of your life (I'm looking at you, soccer fans) is the saddest way to live. You are a human being, not a fly with six hours of lifespan. Everything is liquid. And you are a sponge.

Now. A general problem of having multiple interests is time. Having little to no time to juggling your interests does suck a lot. As you get older, you'll find out you have less time to cater them. That's why most of polymath-inspired people spend their times wrestling with their schedule more than learning their crafts. While scheduling is a great strategy. You can't fully rely on it to predict how each day will turn out. On some days. You might have more free times than you accounted for (that's great). On some days. You might ended up with little to no time than you accounted for (that's bad). You know the motto in life, right? "Always assume worse cases".

Let me tell you. When you have little of free time to do what you like, your favorite activities will become chores themselves. They become tickboxes. A list that needs to be done rather than stories that need to be explore. And that's how I feel about everything lately. It's exhausting and demotivating. To think a weekend has turned into a long session of worrying about Monday, knowing I will still have to face the same madness over and over again, is just pure insanity. To think I have to hustle everything now instead of enjoying them is killing me from the inside.

Everything has become a long to-do list. And I'm scared of facing them.

Personal Purgatory For On-Holds

We all have those personal projects we wanted to commit our time to. And if everything goes well, they will be done and you will be proud of yourself. But what happens if you don't have time or energy to work them? Normal fates for them are usually either being abandoned or pause. We also can determine whether they had begun or not begun too. Normally. Abandoning projects that haven't been started yet hurts less than abandoning projects that have begun. And truly for the worst if they were almost completed too. But nothing spells "being in deny" louder than putting them onto an indefinite length of hiatus.

You know what's weird about paused projects? They are there and not there at the same time. We say they are done but thoughts of them are still lingering. We tend to act our time were wasted on them but with careful thinkings, it wasn't. And sometimes they can be used as an inspiration for nxt projects. That's ... weirdly optimistic. On pessimistic side. Having too many "work-in-progress" and "new ideas" at the same time is a curse. The obsessive hording of incompletes has become a major problem. Especially those who have many interests.

You may have heard this common phrase: "Jack-of-all-trades, master of none.". You can interpret whether that's a praise or an insult. It can go both ways for me. As a praise. It recognizes a person who drabbles in many fields is better than those who only knows one field since they live multiple lives in a single live. They have fulfilled themselves more or so than those Shams-of-else. But as an insult. It recognizes a person who drabbles in many fields isn't particularly good at anything. Like a wide shallow pond. Look impressive from standing point. But just a scorching hot day, reveals what could be described as a potemkin village. Jack-of-all-frauds, more like.

Holding a lot of interests, doing a little progress to all of them by rolling dice, and go search for more, is an equivalent to a clown. And that clown is me. I have been stuck in this personal purgatory of "never done" for a big while now. I understand everything takes time and you can't have it all at once. But ... I want to do more. I want to be more. I want more time. I want to be better.

Will To Breakout

You know what's funny about humans? We love to give advices to others, yet, we never apply them to our own lives. I have answered myself on what to do next. Yes. Things take time to learn and to craft and I can't have all of them at once. But it's ... slow. Heh. That's my major problem, and probably yours too. We want all knowledge to be short, tight, and fast. But when we crave in to shortcuts, we don't really learn anything at all. We all became parrots repeating words to sound smart instead.

God. How did I become such a fool? I can put all of blames onto social medias, depressions, or whatever. But it's always myself. I was the one who decided I need to be an idiot because it's easier to live. ... I don't know how the fuck I came into that conclusion. That's retarded! *sigh*. It has been three hours since I started writing this. I don't know how come writing is the most time passing activity in the entire platoon of activities. But it just did. Maybe I'm struggled against my own thoughts on what I was trying to convey.

I think that's a suitable outcome when I let myself go. Things that used to be easy is now hard. And that vision of ideal me is nothing but an illusion. But now, is always a good time to start working on myself. I'm stronger than all doom posts on the Internet. And you, too.

Hoo. That was a mouthful from me. Sorry for thoughts dumping. Anyway. Since you have read everything above and make it to this sentence (hopefully so). Maybe I can share some of my to-do list.

The "Catalog" And "About" Section

For the catalog section. It's still empty. That can't be good. I mean. This is supposed to be a personal, portfolio, and blogging website. If then, why does it missing the "portfolio" part!? Well. I'm working on it. I do need to sort out what I can show, can't show, and shouldn't show. So, it might take a while. You don't want to see another to-do list web project created with a bloated frontend framework now, do you?

For the about section. I have to admit I don't want to overshare my info. But I do agree. It needs some personalization. It's still a draft after all. But for how long? It's a mystery to everyone~

More Blog Entries

You know. I always wanted to discuss about technology (modern and "obsolete") and ... other. So, maybe I should gravitate onto them. I do also have a (dead) YouTube channel. Maybe I can get it to work ... If it makes me money. Which doesn't because the entire platform is filled with shorts garbage.

A Balatro ... Mod?

This game has overtaken a chunk of my life. And I still can't beat any Gold Stakes because RNG keeps giving me garbage Jokers then blame me for having sKiLl iSSuEs. Well. No more of that crap. I'm adding my own Jokers! AND NOBODY CAN'T STOP ME! ... I used this as an excuse to learn Lua and basic pixel art. Currently. I'm still working on artworks. I don't know how many Jokers there will be available in the first release since it's still in a brainstorming phase. Probably around thirty? Anyway. You can have a few Joker arts as a treat:

Everything Else

What can I say? A long to-do list isn't gonna cross out itself. Thank you for spending your time reading this. And Happy (upcoming) Halloween if you celebrate it!